Lish's blog

Long Day.

Hate to say it - Ben was pretty great today.
He didn't make Abbey go over there for Father's Day.  Came over and watched a movie with us instead - didn't even try to wrangle more time out of me.
Came by later upon request to bring her dinner and throat meds.
I don't know what motivates days like this, but I wish they were the rule.

It also makes me think very warmly about Nicholas, who does things like this without even thinking about it.  He simply does what's right because it's right.
I don't always agree - but his heart is in the right place.

I'm having a few troubles - the usual - money.

I also have a friend that's pretty much avoiding me.
I'm not one of those people who can take a hint either.  It only makes me try harder and absolutely mentally tortures me when it's really someone I care about.
I mean, I had a recent convo with another friend who thinks I've been rather... hmm.  something lately - that was fine, but this... this is just.  It hurts my feelings.
lol, I'm such a pansy.
She'd laugh at me if she knew I was blogging about it.

Bah.
That's reason enough to stop.

And I'm tired.
I want to curl up in bed and sleep for hours, but the lack of sleep this weekend is not going to let me do that...
That sentence made no sense.
Perhaps I should go to bed instead.
Yes.

Yes, I shall.
You know... when Abbey does.

Some Days

Some days being a parent is hard.
Like sick days.
Abbey's been running a high fever for the past two days.
Up to 103.5, which she hasn't reached since she was a baby and prone to ear infections.
I took her into the minor emergency clinic and they said virus.

I love that.
Because it tells me jack shit.

So we have pain pills and congestion pills and nausea pills.

It's hard to keep her fever down, so the apartment is freezing.
She's having trouble breathing - by that, I mean wheezing.

Her dad may come over here.
I was really glad they didn't insist on getting her.
It would have been totally irresponsible... AND I HATE letting her out of my sight when she feels like this.

They haven't ever taken care of her with this high fever.
I know they're capable.
They have two kids.
But, this one is MINE.

So, I'm going to go check her temp again.

Hope you all are having a wonderful weekend.

Round.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

My knee cannot hurt as badly as I think it does.

Today's Entry Inspiration... brought to you by Jackie.

What is it too soon for?

She got a QotD submitted.
It just struck me today.
perhaps it's the hormones racing through my body, perhaps not.
But right now I have a LOT of answers for this question.

It's too soon for my Mamaw to move to Florida.
It was decided spur of the moment - the grandmother that I love very much is moving to live with my aunt in Pensacola.
Randomly.
Decided in maybe 2 days or so, so I've had about 2 weeks to get used to that idea.
Only she's moving August 1st.
She wants me to come pick out stuff I want today.
I lost my Granny in March of last year.  I feel like I'm losing another.

It's too soon for Abbey to turn 13.
Her friends are getting boobs bigger than my quite large... um... yeah.
They're pretending to get pregnant, lying about where they're going and dressing like kids much older should dress.
Or shouldn't actually, but do.
I'm not ready for this phase in her life, not ready for what it's doing to our relationship.

It's too soon to get married.
Not that it's too soon to marry Nick, not that we haven't been together long enough.
But it's much like having kids - you look forward to it for months and when it gets here, you feel yourself backpeddle.
I'm backpeddling.
I don't know what comes next so how can we get married?
I don't know what's going to happen with the custody battle and surely I can't have one closure without the other?
How am I supposed to leap into something without knowing that one life exploding detail?

And that's another thing.
It's too soon to have the custody battle decided.
That seems contradictory, but if I'm going to lose her, I want it to be like... a week before she turns 18.
The idea - the almost sure feeling I have that she is going to choose to live with her father rolls around in my head constantly and I am NOT ready to hear those final heavy words come out of a judge's mouth.
I don't think I'd ever be ready, to be honest.
I can understand her picking her father in some ways - she wants him to be something he's not and is hoping that perhaps by being around he'll love her like he loves the other kids.
And I can't fight that hope.
I don't have the weapons.

It's too soon for her to realize that her father simply is who he is.
Let her realize that when she's my age - when she's old enough to not take it as personally as you do when you're 12.  When you're old enough to know that some people simply lack basic character attributes and you simply have to love them anyway as they are - because there is no changing them.
Let her get older before she realizes that.

It's too soon to turn 30.
Not that I'm freaking about the age itself.
I love who I am on the inside and the time that I've given myself to discover that person.
What I don't love is that time is passing so quickly that I feel as though life is passing me by.
Chances to find things I love to do as a career, chances to have more children, chances to lose that extra weight  - all these things we tell ourselves when we're young that we have time to do - well, I'm running out of that time.
Not that I can't do them, but that simply saying I will isn't enough anymore if that's what I really want.

It's too soon to have to know what I really want.
Don't I get more time?
Don't I get more roses time?
Time to find my motivation that I'm SURE is hiding around here somewhere... I just don't know where to look!

It's too soon to hurt so much all the time.
I thought that only happened to old people.
Only my mother isn't old and every movement to her is excruciating.
That's another thing it's too soon for.
Too soon for my mom to hurt like she is.
Too soon for my parents to grow old.
Too soon for me to have to deal with those responsibilities.
Too soon for me to have to carry the weight of their heart.
Too soon to have to hold everyone together as we all move physically apart.
Too soon to have any time to just hide in a closet and cry.

Too soon for people to judge the decisions I will make in the next few short months.
Too soon for me to judge.
Too soon for me to have to make them.

It's ALL too soon.
Maybe the easier question would have been, what isn't?

Speaking of wishes...

Will someone please buy me a Gocco printer?

Maybe I am, Maybe I'm not.

Yours, that is.
You see, I want to dance to "I'm Yours" by Jason Mraz for our first dance at the wedding.
It's fun and sunshine and I think it definitely invokes the fun smiley feeling I want to feel on my wedding day...

... after a couple of glasses of champagne.

Nick hasn't commented on it yet.
I'm going to give him a day or two to stew, because it's non-traditional.
I hate to tell him, but I'm not going to dance to "Butterfly Kisses" with my dad either.

No.
I'm still working on that one.
I don't want it to be the usual, but I don't want it to be meaningless.
Music being so important to me, I want my song choices to be wise.

You see - music is what invokes the tone of the day.
It's in scary movies, to give you that tense feeling before someone jumps out at you...
It's in love stories, to make you feel all fuzzy inside.
This is my own love story...
I'm just trying to write the soundtrack.

Our song is "I've Got You Under My Skin" but we can't dance well enough to do it justice... and it will be played - but probably as our last dance song... a new tradition that I love.

Our parents songs will be played.  "Time in a Bottle" for my parents, the Carpenters for his.
Perhaps a little Damien Rice for my sister and her husband.

"You Can't Lose Me" will make an appearance as it's mine and my daughter's song.

'At this point in my life' should make an appearance too (I'm tired of capitalizing everything.) because I feel very much that it represents me and what I have to offer and my nervousness about embarking on a new venture... but I'm not sure if the wedding is the place for it.
That might be something more private between the two of us.

"500 miles" is a definite.  One of my favorite memories is him singing along to it to me and dancing around the room in his gangly way.

What would be a part of your soundtrack for you life or for your relationship?

So many things...

... to learn.

I still need to learn
That when a doctor says 'Don't run without your knee brace - or better yet, don't run AT ALL' that he's probably not just saying that to help keep you fat.

Everything is a constant process of learning.
That's a cool part of life.
Though now I'm getting to the age where my spell of invincibility is wearing off and the physical aspects of growing older are weighing in.
That's part of the fun of having a baby at 16.
They told me that then - that my body would age quicker than it would have otherwise.
I'm not sure why that is necessarily.
But think it's both sucky and kind of cool - well.  Cool if it's someone else.

I have learned that I'm not as selfless when it comes to children as I had hoped.
Abbey's best friend is having a hard time.
Her mother went to jail.
Her grandmother that has custody lives in Bermuda... and although she has plans to come here and get her, the child is currently bouncing around.
Technically staying with a relative in West Memphis, but has been with Abbey's dad and stepmom for the past few days.
This child - I love her because she's been around Abbey's whole life.  But she has a very bad effect on my child and lives a very adult life for a 12 year old.  I don't like that part.
And I can barely handle Abbey after she's spent time with this child.
I know she feels unwanted and so unsure.
But I've learned that there is no way I could offer to take her in myself.
Besides the money, which would be tight... I just don't have enough of whatever it takes.
That sounds like something I should just accept and move on with, but it weighs heavy, because I do care about what happens to her and my heart is breaking for her.

What do you guys do when you learn something negative about your character?

Insert Caffeine here.

I don't like anything related to tornados.
I especially don't like being caught outside, seeing trees being ripped in half, hearing the sirens come on, the rain start, seeing the power go off, and hearing that tell-tale ROAR that comes along with a tornado in the making - and realizing I'm outside and now should run for my life.

No disaster at my house - we were out of power for about, oh, 2 minutes.
But that roaring.
It's not been that close in a few years.
And I learned I can run very very fast.

And that I don't want to live in Tornado Alley any AT ALL more.

But, on the plus side, I met my neighbors.
One is a hockey player for the Riverkings.
One is from Wichita.  She was interesting. 

Worked out on Sunday morning.
Bright and early - hello EIGHT IN THE MORNING.
My trainer worked out with me, which means that I stopped complaining and worked harder because I had someone to keep up with - and I did.
She complained though.
She has triceps that move up and down like elevators when she's lifting.
And it was fun - because I'm not such a wimp, as I'm only 10-15 pounds less than she is on weights that she does to maintain those awesome elevator arms.

It's kind of nice to see that I am getting stronger, if not smaller.

I was so energized from the workout that I went home and ran/walked for 2 miles.  2 minute walk, 1 minute run.
That was a lot of fun - though I shouldn't have run without my brace.
That was stupid.
And I'm paying for it.

But mainly for my arms.
They hurt.
They feel FANTASTIC.

geez. how cool could things be if I were me. Oh wait, I am.

Man.
I really want someone to throw us a board game shower since I LOVE board games..
But now another great idea.
Not because I'm materialistic and begging for crap, but simply because it's cool - no matter the occasion.

A book shower.

Where people just bring you books.  Not that you've registered for, but really anything that strikes their fancy.

Nirvana was wrong - this isn't what it smells like at all.

Yesterday I got home.
I got home and I smelled something.
And my dog had pooped.
On my wall.
In case you didn't read that correctly, I will say it again.

My. Dog.
Pooped.
ON. MY. WALL.

And not a little bit of poop.  No.
Wet sticky concrete-like poop.
That made a mural.
A rainbow shaped mural.
On my wall.

A non-bleach-removable mural of dog shit.
On my wall.